Undone

so much on the mind

2004-12-08T15:45:00.000-10:00

Wow, this week has been absoloutly insane! I have been running in every direction. Helping with the school, the co[ncert, working the kitchen, preping for Love Feast, meeting with people, dealing with myself and all that goes with that... went in for an HIV test today, just to get checked... wont have the answer for three weeks... um... what else? Oh yeah, I'm leaving for home in just 2 weeks and so I'm trying to get everything in order for that... plus pay for rent which I can't yet... good times.

Life has been insane... I have also been feeling a little off lately. Mainly heath wise. I have been doing so good with struggles and stuff... but i have been having these horrible head aches that last for close to 4 days. It's been horrible. So I have been feeling a little off.

I am also considering going to this palce in Tennesee called Love in action see the website... www.loveinaction.com
It's a residental place and it really expensive, but I think God might be sending me there. In prayer I have only heard one thing... "9 months" and it's been making me mad because I have wanted to know what that meant, and I felt like God was leading me to do something for 9 months and then coming back. So then when this place came up, I saw that it has a 9 month program and it's the only one for 9 months that I have seen. So that's kinda weird. Anyway, I am open to anything right now... just kinda waiting to see what happens. It sounds like a really intense program, but it could be really good. I am going to meet with someone about it tomorrow around 3. Yay! I am a little nervous, but it will be good.

okay, I need to go home, i am really tired.

Strength to overcome sin

2004-12-04T08:23:00.000-10:00

"Chapter 5 seems to be rather intense even before I read it. [sigh] dealing with sin is hard, but necesary. Lord help me to get all that I need to out of this chapter."

Sin can be erased only though it's exposure. It's painful, but our exposeure is readily ecliped by the Esposed one, He who bore the weight of all sin and shame bears our own.

The language of sin has been replaced by the secular language of recovery. Without the words of redemption, we struglle to bring a meaningful offering to Christ. How then can He bear our burden if we frame it in secular terms? We may receive human empathy, but not divine absoloution, that which we need to set our hearts free.
"It's so easy to just say, 'oh it's a struggle', and not see it for what it is- sin. We, [I] need to see sin as sin."

When you begin to lose the sense of sin, you lose the meaning of the cross. And Christ crucidied is the base and source of all healing. - Leanne Payne

Confession and Community
1 John 1:6-9 If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
John anchored confession in two truths, our need to acknowledge sin and our need for one another in light of sin.
James 5.16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
Healing is directly connected to confession. Healing requires confession. In revealing our sin to each other, we detach from deadly sources and unite with life in Christ. We are made whole through communion with fellow sinners.
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REVELATION: We are all sinners. Okay, okay, I know that this seems really silly to say, but the truth in that statement really hit me. We NEED each other, and we are all sinners. We all have our problems and issues, and we are able to come to wholeness with others. It is part of God's purposes, for us to be with each other. It's not a matter of doing with on your own with God, but we need each other, with the confession of sin to each other, we are able to become more free!
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Without confession, we can remain alone, skimming the surface of God's grace in less revealing aspects of relationship. In confession, comes the 'final break through to fellowship'. He we experience a connection with others that rescues us from the domination of sin. We are thus enables to resist what is deadly and choose life- rather communion with Jesus. We will discover Jesus in the humble, trustworthy brother of sister next to us.
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Revelation: okay, again... we need each other. It's amazing how through all this God has been really messing with me in the area of relationships. without confession we can remain alone... CRAP... wow, that is where I was. Since I have come out with things that I have been dealing with, I have more deep friendships that ever before. I have the belief that people are my friends. For the first time in my life, I actually believe that people are my friends and that people actually like me. I know that sounds sad, but it's true. It's great, I believe it, I know it to be true. Actually, Adam has been a great source of healing for me. His friendship has been something that I have wanted for so long. Not necessarily HIS, but someone, who likes being around, that you can see each other everyday and not be tired of each other, and enjoy hanging out all the time, and being able to be goofy and crazy, but also be able to be real and serious about things too. Someone, who you can be honest with and bare before and know that they are still your friend no matter what. This has been amazing for me to see and amazing for me to have in my life. A friend with no stipulations, no pre-resiquets, just friendship. Thanks Adam, I truely love you bro!--------------------------------------

Two deaths that confession requires of us. The first being the crusifixion of the social saint.

Dying to the False Self
Simple fact- through confession we put to death any false image of perfection, therefore we cannot hide.
Public confession destorys our pride. This is the front that we put up to show that we are alright. That wall of pride must be torn down, for healing to come in. Humbling ourselves before God and others, gives us that freedom to recieve the grace from Christ.
The second death we die is to the sin that we have confessed.

Dying to Sin
Confessing sin, means to die to the sin. It signifies the deeper work of repentance. In naming the sin, we must also turn from the sin, releasing what is false to God.
Repentance is not always easy. it can feel like death. Resurrection is on its way, but en route we endure our own small crosses.
The cross bids us die. Our confession must initiate the decision to let go of the idol we have cherished.

Confession and Forgiveness
When Christ sent out the disciples, he gave them the charge to forgive people of theiir sins... we as his disciples have the same call. Assurance of forgivness results from a priestly proclamation. Without the witness, we are prone to mumbling admissions of sin and absolving ourselves neither of which can impart the power of new life to us.

Confession and Church Covering
Through confession we become known.
The church has no mystical power it save us from sin unless we activly engage with her. This means more than just attendance. It's crucial to have this connection, for people who are dealing with sexual and relational sins. These are failures taht inflame foolsih desires, and frustrate our real needs. What remains is our yearning for love, and connection, for belonging.
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"This is another truth for my life... Its been so crucial for me to have this connection with others, with my struggle with sin... but the desires and needs are legitimate... needs for accecptance, love, relationship, a place to belong. These are things that I have been writing in my songs for many many months. Wanting these things but unsure of how to get them. It comes through confession. Who'd have thought!? To be covered by fellow believers, and be accepted even at the place of confession, gives me a sense of belonging and love and relstionship with others. It's no wonder I have felt outside of things and alone for so long."
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Owning Relational Sins
Sexual sin can be understood as a type of narcissism, it is inherently self-serving.
The greatest sin, may not be to the porn, or masturbation, or fantasy, or any of the outward expressions of sin, but it is the selfishness you exibit in with-holding yourself from your loved ones.
Sexual sin is wrong because it causes us to reduce people to the sum of our lusts. Broken sexuality endermines our reslationships.

Steps of Confession
First we must seek out trustworthy "priests". It may be a pastor, or mentor, or trusted friend. They pray with you, listen to you, and commit to walking with you.
Having found a "priest", in plain terms we tell them what we have done. No beating around the bush; this is a time to come clean. We define the falsehood and take responsibility for it.
Next, the priest helps us to bind the sin away from us and onto the cross. (Binding and loosing- Matthew 16.18-19)
We must remember that confession may not be a one time thing, we may need to confess things time and time again until we have dominion over it.

Our priest administers forgivness and cleansing, and blesses us as one beloved of the Father. Sin breaks relationship, confession restors it. Our preistly friend thus administers the blessing of our belonging that closes the gap left inside from the sin. They may also offer words of encouragment and healing. As confession exposes our failures, we need to be covered afresh by the kindness and tenderness of the saints.
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This is something that I am so blessed with. Dave McDaniel, is amazing at this. He listens and cries with you as you deal with things, but has the ability to see things as they are, and to then cover and speak words of love and healing and acceptance. I am so grateful for people like that. I have found others to be that way as well... J-C has been a super blessing to me in this, with his wisdom and encourgament... Adam as been as well... a friend who will listen and encourage along the way... even Spencer and Vanessa too. They have been so supportive and wanting to do wathever it takes to allow my heart to get the healing it needs. I am so amazed lately at the relationships that I have now. People who really love me, and people who I really love as well in return. I am so blessed by these people and by their love for people and for God... This battle is going to be victorious due to the fact that God is doing a powerful work in me AND I have these people around me.
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In general

2004-11-29T08:15:00.000-10:00

This is the not so "out of the book" post for today. This book has been consuming me and even though it's an amazing book, and I will buy my own copy at some point soon, I just want to write my thoughts and so forth and not be just re-typing stuff out of a book.

Today is really gloomy. Outside looks like it could rain all day. At least I will be inside all day. I'm working at my weekend job today. My boss asked me to cover Monday for them. No biggie... I could use the extra cash. So here I am, just hanging, gonna open the store in about 2 minutes.

I'm pretty stiff. my neck is killing me. I think i have been pushing a little too hard at the gym. I have been really working myself over the last 2 days. Pulling like 3 or 4 sets of 15, at about 50 weight, which if you see me, I am not all that big, so it's quite a bit. But hey whatever. I am still going... not today though, i need to give my body a rest.

On a more internal note- I am a little nervous about going to see Dixie this week. I think she expects me to have an answer as to what I am supposed to do in the near future. Wether I am supposed to stay around or go some place, I just don't know what to do, I feel like I should stick around for a while, but I don't know what that looks like or anything. I don't feel right in just leaving right now. Hmmmm... So I'm a little freaked out.

I have been doing so well though, still have things going through my head, and desires that shouldn't be there, but not as frequently. Lusting after people has gotten so good to. I am SO happy about that! I always feel so grimey and sick with myself when I am in that place of looking at someone else. So I am super happy that, that has gotten so much better. Everyday I have to still ask God to be my strength, it's hard some days, but I do see a difference in how I am seeing people and even though I can't explain it, something inside is changing.

I have been really shocked lately, seeing that the relationships that I have are as amazing as they are! Adam, has quickly become one of my closest friends... getting to be around him and laugh about stuff, and have fun, and also be able to talk about serious stuff, it has been awesome! Funny how over a year ago I called him up in Reno to chat about his DTS application before we accepted him. I always laugh at how God works stuff out... I had no idea at that time that we would become such good friends. It's kinda weird. We had kinda planned on hanging out one time and since then we see each other every day. I love that though. Because it's like the first time where I feel like someone that I consider my friend, considers me their friend and they like to hang with me as much as I like hanging out with them. JC is another one. He may be a little older than I am, but his insight and wisdom into situations is wonderful... plus he's friggen hilarous to hang out with. Being around him has really given me new hope for coming through this struggle. Before I used to think that I would just have to live life and just suppress and feel like an idiot or something, but knowing him and hearing about his life and the things that he has come through, it gives me hope for God to complete the work in me too! Yay God.

I think it is becouse of these people and others here in Kona, that the thought of leaving is one of the hardest decisions that I will have to make. Mind you, I am not going to allow that to be the diciding factor.... because it can't be, I have to follow the Lord's leading. I just hope that if i do have to go somewhere, that these people will continue to be involved in my life, and that I will have support and friends like these where ever I may end up... if I do have to go away that is. (ha ha)

Something on my mind though lately is this concept of what my true identity is. I sometimes freak out a little because if God is bringing me into my true identity, then what have I been living in my entire life? Who am I going to be when this finishes? What will I be like? Will I even like me? I don't know if that even makes sense, but these are the things that are swimming through my brain as of right now. I trust that God is making me whole, but I wish that I could know even just a little of what that looks like. I assume it will still be me, but maybe without as much pain inside, or wounds or something. "I don't know, but I do trust You God."

Chapter 4

2004-11-29T07:48:00.000-10:00

Strength to Leave Shame Behind

Shame is the raincoat of the soul, repelling the living water that would otherwise establish us as the beloved of God. It prevents us from receiving grace and truth where we need them the most. Many factors contribute to shame, but ultimately the problem is that we resist the reality of the Fathers love; believing falsely that our sin and weakness disqualify us for eceiving his love.

Good Shame Versus Bad Shame
Good shame alerts us to our seperation from God and others, causing us to cry out to God for mercy.Good shame can lead to life. Bad shame forms a "shame coat" causing us to conclude that we are unworthy of love or honor. Bad shame expresses itself as 'an inner torment, a sickness of the soul' that divides us from self, others and God. Bad shame invites the soul to turn on itself rather than to welcome mercy.
Everyone experiences acute shame- painful moments, sharp but temporary. Where those with chronic shame, have this permenant trait based upon repeated shameful experiences. These people live diminished lives with little expectation of empowerment and joy.

Shame and Fallenness
Shame as a mark of seperation corresponds with fear and flight. 'Adam in his nakedness hid from God' Gen.3.10
Shame is synonymous with the idea of covering or concealing, as the fig leaf would suggest.
The awareness of shame is a reckoning with lost innocence, the realization that one now has the potential to hurt another and to be hurt, to honor God and to dishonor him.
How do we steward the reality of our shame?
(Even after the fall, God saw that they were ashamed of their nakedness, and gave them 'animal skins' to cover themselves when they left the garden. Even though they has sinned, He still provided for them and still had mercy upon them to not want them shamed any longer. God's grace is amazing! I can see how he has done that for me too. His mercy was for me to come out with this in a way that would not shame me more. He knew my heart and that I was already in a deep place of shame and pain, and allowed this whole process to be filled with his mercy so that I would be 'covered' through this, so that I wouldn't be shamed any more.)

Stwearding Shame
Shame can be a revelatory, positive emotion, we should seek to recognize the good in shame. This alerts us of wrong doing, and the need for correction. Shame plays a vital role in the development of the conscience. Shame gaurds self-respect and motivates us to make and maintain boundries in relationships. When they are crossed, we know. Shame applies pointedly to relational and sexual intimacy. Shame alerts us to premature uncovering of our humanity. Misbegotten sexuality squanders something profound and intimate, thus hightening our shame response.
Shame is often described as "dishonor, fallen pride"- a loss of face.

"He who is shamed would like to force the world not to look at him, not to notice his exposure." -Erik Erikson

The pain of exposure may distance one from much needed help, thus Shame can prove resistant to its cure.
Secondly, GUILT and SHAME are not the same thing. Guilt posses a more rational, objective quality, where shame floods the self with acute and dreadful feelings. It can thus immobilize the one who has lost face. Guilt on the other hand is a negative evaluation of a specific behavior. A guilty person is more likely to act redemptively. A shameful person, may be less incline to ture to the light, since they are "fundamentally bad". Exposure means more pain, more self-hatred, more rejection; not an ascent into honor or empowerment. Shame deadens the soul.

(This is something that definintly hit close to home. Sure I felt guilty about the things that I was doing but, it was way WAY more shame based. I can see now, that is why it took so long to talk about it. Within shame I was more afraid of being exposed and rejected again. Afraid of hating myself more than I did at the present moment. I was on a path of complete death, both internal and outward.)

Sexual Shame
Sins against the body as Paul calls them, can provoke sensations of exposure to, and seperation from others. Appropriate shame related to illicit sex is one thing, believing that you have commited the unforgivable sin is another. Religious cultures are often guilty of magnifying sexual shame to the degree that it's stain seems indelible, it's beyond the grace of God.
(Wow, could this be any more true?! That is exactly how it has felt. That I was unable to come into the grace of God. That the things that I had done, or been involved with or anything, was too bad for God. Weird though, knowing that God is big and good, and that nothing is too much for Him, still in my heart I couldn't come to grips with myself, that God was able to deal with my brokenness. Thank you God for being BIG enough for me.)
Gender shaming becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy- the accusation of "faggot" or "dyke" is realized as one's vulnerability becomes an identity. Gender shame does not cause adult homosexuality, but it contributes to it.

Shame and Contempt
One thing that often results from early experience of chronic shame is self-hatred. People who have been subject to profound rejection will often blame themselves. They believe they deserve to be rejected. These people will then turn to things to lessen the pain of rejection- this cycle of degredation of addiction produces more shame and more self-hatred- the cycle continues.

The Good, but False Self
One of the most common responses to shame is when we present an image of ourselve to others that is more capable,, more emotionally healthy, and more morally upright that we really are. We are projecting a good but false self, it's misleading and hypocritical... especially in dealing with homosexuality. Dealing with this false self is crucial. We must identify it so that we do not risk empowering a mere image, that way the truth and light of Christ can come in.
(This was totally me. This has been me for years. Sometimes, able to just suppress the emotions and feelings and whatever... but ultimatly, showing a false self so that I would be okay.)
The greatest fear of the good, false self is this: "If you really knew me, you wouldn't love me!"
The Christian community often approves of the good false self. Though this we come into a place of splitting ourselves... into a "good self", and "bad self". The good is all that is right and perfect, the bad is all that is wrong and shameful.

This splitting keeps a person bound. In this state, a person is not able to freely admit that they are a sinner. Until one can freely admit one's needs, weakness and failures, one cannot experience the grace to be a whole human being. Nor can they reckon with their flaws.

The danger of the good false self lies in deception. If one's value seems to be bound up in "goodness", than anything that belies the good-boy, good-girl image must be buried and denied. To cope with the anxiety over the exposure of the bad self, the peron may lie to cover up the reality of what is actually going on outside of the sphere in which the good, false self is celebrated. This good, false self often leads to a double life. The avoidance of the defective self contributes to this double life, the good Christian on one side and the sexual addict on the other. They are able to live out both, lying to either side to keep face.

The Cross as Shame's Cure
For our weakness and shame, God allowed himself to become weak and full of shame. He was strung up naked before a mocking crowd. He subjected himself to the worst kind of exposure in order to make a way for us, his creation. The Scripture tells us that Christ, "for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame... Consider him who endured such oposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." HEB. 12.2-3
"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Cor 5.21

Cleansing from Shame
First the victory involves the power of the resurrection- God's powerful love imparted to us as the basis of our new identity, but second putting on the new garments of righteousness also means taking off the old coats of shame. Thus the victory over shame must involve the power of God's cleansing.
Luke 15.20 The father of the prodigal son, runs toward him and wraps his arms around him and kisses him. Affectionatly the father closes the gap between the son's perceived unworthiness and his desire to return to the father. (vs21) He displaces his son's shame with the power of his loving presence. The father then grants his sona robe of honor, the best one possible. (v.22) Having displaced the son's shame with the power of his love, the father clothes him with honor. Jesus does the same for us, time and time again. His death on the cross released a cleansing river that removes shame. Through his ressurection he covers us with a coat of righteousness, fitted and wrapped around us like a holy embrace.

Nonshaming Communities
Our turn from shame must be mediated by a new community. We need people who provide new models and new sources of identification for us. It is the witness of his nonshaming people that fres us to actually grasp at the human level that it is safe to be human

(I am stunned at the ammount of truth that is in this book. It seems like the writer was taking my life and writing it out for every reader to see. It's kinda freaky. I am so amazed at the grace of God. How He gently draws us back to Himself, and doesn't want us to be in places of shame. His desire is to pour over us his river of grace and cleansing. The amazing thing is that a river is always moving and flowing, constantly washing away things... this will be a process, but the river is washing me.)

Chapter 3- Strength to love well.

2004-11-27T13:54:00.000-10:00

We must choose the Cross over the Sword in relationship with others. It is easy for us to become defensive and hostile towrads others in relationships, but we must be in places of humility and love towrads others and not cut and slice others apart.

Crises and the Cross
Our capacity to grasp the relevance of the cross may hinge upon relational crisis. Sometimes we need to be woken up by disastrous events that provoke our surrendur to Christ. Without harsh realities before us, we might remain in blissful darkness. We can choose not to see what is.

Our relational asperations may involve certain controlling mechanisms we employ to keep truth at bay. When we fall apart, we may be ready for surrender to Christ and the hope of new life. Often with long-standing Christians, they love Jesus and are faithful to Him as best they can be, but when their world starts to collapse, they expend Herculean efforts to keep the walls from collapsing.

God is merciful to bear with us when our weaknesses seep out of containment and into sin. Sometimes we are aware of our need to be saved only when we face what is destroying us. Then comes the choice, Jesus or the slow strangulation of sin. At this point, we may finally be ready to give our lives away to the One who can strengthen us with divine love.
"This is so where I was at. God has been more than merciful to me in this entire situation. To face the very things that were destoying me was the only way to not be strangled slowly. Interesting how that idea of dying slowly pertains to my life and the word that Kenny gave me... that there was suicide on me. I was dying slowly.

The Cross and Hope
Amid the relational wreckage, Jesus is present, willing to assume sin in all its diverse expressions. The prophet Isaiah spoke of the Suffering Servant who would bear the weight of our infirmities and sorrows. (Isaiah 53:4) The words are literally translated from the hebrew as "the sickness of sin". That includes the reverberating effects of disobedience- sin and wounds, the inexplicable losses we endure this side of heaven, the disorder wrought by affliction of many kinds. Jesus in his powerful simplicity grants us hope amid the temptation to despair as we face the realities of our lives.

The Cross and the New Creation
(Read 2 Corinthains 5.15-19) In other words, Christ reconciles us to himself. Our real selves emerge in that union with Him. And out of that posture of yeilding to him, we discover a new basis for understanding our adequacy and security as human beings.

"Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is his) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him." - C. S. Lewis

My Background does not determine my relational destiny, Jesus does.

Facing our Hostility towards the Other
Some of us may be tempted by the illusion that we can avoid conflict, many broken ones shut down in relations to the opposite gender, spiritualizing their needs and identities in union with Jesus alone. That is understandable, since Jesus is perfect, while people are painfully fallible. Yet God does not grant us the freedom to avoid our need to work out our salvation together as male and female. He calls us to wrestle with our need, and our fear, of the other.

Resurrection of the Image
Beaten down men are passive; beaten down women are defensive and self contained.
1 Peter 3.1-7

Man needs to express his power in blessing woman; woman needs to believe in the truth and integrity of that blessing. In reponding to it, she can rise up and bless him as well. This pattern of initiative and response grants us a powerful glimpse of gender wholeness.

Strength in weakness- good points.

2004-11-27T10:24:00.000-10:00

(Introduction)
Layers around weakness
SHAME- causes us to lie, and rely on our selves. Putting up the "fig leaf" and pretent that everything is okay, like Adam and Eve in the garden after they fell.
SIN- is not weakness, but wickedness. We make decisions for either good or bad, those decisions will either draw us closer to God or pull us from God.
WOUNDING- abuse, inadequite love, any defecit, etc... wounds misdirect us, fueling our sin.
WEAKNESS- includes the tendency towards habitual sin. In weakness we are able to feel completely free from our struggles until its in our face and then we must make a choice for either life or death.
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In 2 Corinthians 12.9, God didn't take out Pauls thorn out, but told him that His grace would be sufficient for him, and that his weakness would perfect God's strength in him.

Chapter 1- God's image in humanity
"Man becomes the image of God now so much in the moment of solitude as in the moment of communion" - John Paul II

Part of God's provision for Adam and Eve's humanity lay in their difference. We are rightfully called out of our aloneness by the blend of similarity and dissimilarity that marks heterosexual encounter. "Intimacy is intinsified by otherness."

The true self always includes one's gender identity and it's relation to the opposite sex.
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Chapter 2- Facing the broken image
Freedom to live out God's design for our life, involves an honest look at how broken we really are. Only in dealing honestly with the shame, sin and woundings that shroud God's image in us can we begin to emerge out of our brokenness.
"Disobedience... is therefore denial of one's own humanity, to live in such a way as to resist the Word and will of God in favor od our instinctive rights and desires it to live inhumanly."

In Adam and Eve's fall they were no longer unashamed of themselves but covered themselves out of a place of shame. The fig leaf conveyed shame and seperation from pure trust in the others love. They were now self-conscious and uncertain of their identity in relation to one another, and also conscious of the others uncertainty.

"Without the freedom to be for God and the other, we live in contradiction to our basic humanity" - John Paul II

We no longer live in a relationship of opennes and trust with GOd and one another, we sin and we hide in our shame. The armored and alienated selves we have become, alinate others as well.

Genesis 3.15- I [God] will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head and you will strike his heel.
The snake will strike our heels. That conveys Satans authority to target vulnerable areas of our humanity and to undercut us there.

Genesis 3.16 Your will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.
Eve was God's response to Adam's aloneness, and in fact it was Eve's inspired respose to him that awakened his heart. After the fall, the womans primary relational gift became a potential source of brokenness- all through her 'desire' for him. "desire" can mean many things, the best interpertation is one that conveys inordinate desire; an exclusive, possessive yearning for the man. Under the weight of sin, woman loses a certain freedom to be in relationship with man, instead she becomes insecure, grasping for meaning and purpose in union with him.

God gave her this 'desire' as a result of her sin because she is vulnerable to acting deceptively apart from him. She became persuaded by evil and her husband followed suit. With the advent of sin, she became subject to his authority as a consequence and as a check to her potential for deception. But Adam's rule over Eve resulted as much from his abdictation of responsibility as it did from her initial deception. He followed her into deception and then blamed Even, thus rule over her was a consequence of his sloppy and immature responce to her inital deception.
Man was created first and woman second- this order signifies something about man's need to initiate good for the woman, and the woman's need to respond to that good. But in the fall, woman was deceived first and led the man into deception, an act taht inverted the gender order established in creation. Male leadership and female submission is now in question.

(Genesis 3.17-19) Because of Adam, man now faces a potentially idolatrous relationship with his work, as he is tempted to find his identity in his accomplishments and work.

Adultery disables lives. Outside of the hard realities of domestic life the new lover appears ideal. The answer to one's emotional and physical needs. In contrast, the exisiting partner seems like a drudge, inseperable form the realities of everyday life. Consequently, adultery is conceived in illusion and spawnsnew and cruel illusions about one's "right" to self-fulfillment. These are lies that shatter those left behind. Adultery fits under the fornication category- which includes any sexual act performed outside of heterosexual marraige.

Instead of enhancing it's participants, fornication reduces one to the object of the other's physical desire. Each partner becomes a collection of body parts, sensual and soulless. Split off from the profound emotion that emerges from hard-won commitment, sexual excitment results in a 'closing down of the horizon of the mind and heart'. But the bitter fruit is stored in the mind none the less. Multiple sexual partners become encoded int he brain. Through the powerful recall of our momories, we live with false lovers long after the affairs have ended.
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It's amazing how much I got out of the first 2 chapters in this book. There is so much that I have been through that he has confronted already. Everything from false identity issues to sexual brokenness and so forth. God has been really beginning to bring in a new sense of hope and future though this struggle in my life. Also with Him pouring such revelation into my life, I am seeing myself the way that I think I was supposed to my entire life. It's weird to see myself as loved and important, because of all that I have been through, and experience and put myself through, it's seemed impossible for me to be anything special, or important or worth loving at all... but the Grace of God truly is sufficient for me, and His love covers all. Amazing how that works. It's something that I cannot fully comprehend at all... how God knows all we do, and still loves us completely. Thank you Jesus for your love and mercy.

In the introduction of the book, it talks about the layers around weakness... I have come through the shame layer, and moving through the sin layer into the wounding layer. The sin layer is one I believe that we will always fight becuase we contantly sin, but moving through it is possible. The wounding layer is one that I am a little nervous about because it is one that is the biggest for me, and one that will take some time to get through, there is a lot of wounding... and a lot to go through before getting to the weakness layer. But through all this, God will be good, and help me, as will my friends and mentors. I can't do this on my own, I know that so much now. Into the wounding layer... here we go, my time for healing has come!

Am I leaving?

2004-11-20T10:46:00.000-10:00

So I talked with Dixie and JC the other day and "ugh", I went through another thorough overhaul as to what all I had been into and going through and my history and stuff. That was ahrd... not too hard but still having to dig stuff up again... but we then prayed about what to do and wether I am supposed to stay in Kona or go somewhere else. Ugh!! Dixie felt like i was to go somewhere else for a very submersed program that will help me. (sigh) So I kinda freaked out a litte bit, but there wasn't a time frame or anything. Still I don't have a peace about leaving... at least not right now. So I told her that if I don't feel like I am supposed to go, but this is your reccommendation for me to do this, then what does that mean? If I choose not to does that mean I get kicked out of my ministry and stuff? This is not so fun. I was really freaked out, not sure what I am going to do. So I am still planning on going home, over christmas break and I will look into stuff at home.

I need to figure out what I am going to do. God please speak to me.

Outward vs inward

2004-11-14T11:53:00.000-10:00

1 Samuel 16.7- But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Since I am going though so much and meeting with a councelor and dealing with my gender issues and so forth, she thought that a study on the heart would be a good thing to do. The way the study works is I have to read every scripture on the heart and not really figure out the greek or hebrew or anything like that, but I have to write down revelations and or questions that come up as I read through them all. So I was reading this scripture today in 1 Samuel, and the Lord began to speak... It was a good reminder that God looks at our hearts and not just our outwardness... He sees the things we do, but He sees our hearts... which could be both good or bad. Sometimes our hearts are just as wicked as our actions. For me my heart is so broken that my actions come from places of true hurt and brokenness. Therefore God sees my heart and knows that it's from hurt and pain, not that it makes it okay for me to have acted out on things, but He sees the pain and wants to bring healing into those places.

I then think about how quickly I am to judge by the way that i see things. In the scripture The Lord is telling Samuel not to think that He knows who will be King of Isreal because of how it looks... that David, would be King and he was the least likely... but how I so often do the same thing, judging things by what I see... when it's a persons heart that it should come down to. It's then also hard at times to judge accoding to a persons heart becuase then it takes time and relationship to judge a persons heart. We have to know that person, there must be vounerability, and openness, etc.

What can I do to not judge by the outward appearance? What can I do to see the heart of people. Must I first get a revelation of my own heart before I can see others hearts? Hmmmm.... So many questions.

Stress-o-meter

2004-11-13T08:05:00.000-10:00

Okay, so yesterday I was hoping to go the beach, but did because Spencer thought it would be better to make sure that the SOW didn't need help with anything, which they didn't but it was okay anyway because I ended up meeting with my mentor guy JC which is pretty cool. We talked over lunch and stuff and that was really encouraging and stuff.

After lunch I went home and finished the 5th Harry Potter book, which was another amazing read. Kinda leaves you though and so that is kinda hard, but now I really want the next book to come out!! Fell asleep during the book and slept for about a hour or so, just a power nap I guess. Woke up, went over to Adam's place to see if he was there, and he was so we watched some tv and then went out for dinner with him and Eric. Killer Tacos. Yay, I like having friends. I relaize just how much of a loner I am and that it's not such a good thing... so it's nice to have people that like being around me and stuff.

After dinner my roommate Chris was having people over for the night and so we had a little party/get together last night till about midnight. I am a little tired right now. I wasn't really in the mood to be around a million people but hey whatever, it was still kinda fun.

I also started freaking out a little bit yesterday though, with the thought that i may have to leave Kona for a program. Ugh. My stress-o-meter is at an all time high with the thought that i may be leaving. I know Dixie said that would be the most extream move if that is what we felt like God was saying... but still, it freaks me out to think that i may have to go somewhere and be submersed in this big program and whatever. Stree-o-meter is peaking at 9.3, and I am doing my best to try and keep it low. [sigh] I get all scared and emotional just thinking about leaving all I know here in Kona. Okay, that's enough for now.

TGIF

2004-11-12T11:02:00.000-10:00

So it's friday, and the week is over. Thank God. Wow, this has been a really long week. I met with my counselor yesterday and it was really good... after talking to my leader today... this morning.... I thought maybe I would go to the beach and just kinda relax and take my bible and read and do some study there.... but he told me that I should see if the school needs any help and stuff... plus I figured that it would be a good thing if I got a hold of the 1-on-1 guy/mentor that Dixie had set up with me. So i am meeting him for lunch today at 11.45, I am a little nervous to meet with him and kinda open up because I don't know what we are gonna talk about or what he's gonna ask me or whatever.... it's kinda strange... but I knew it was going to be him for some reason too.... weird.

So yeah, I am probably going to go to a local beach this afternoon.... I need to get out, expecially since I work over the weekend. I really want to go to the gym, because I have been so sick for the last 2 weeks or so, i haven't been to the gym and it's obvious. I really need to get to the gym, but I will not be able to tomorrow... becuase my friend turn 40 tomorrow and I have a party to go to right after work... I will be late as it is because of work. So I will have to wait until Sunday.

So now that I am not staffing with the school, or really doing anything... I am probably going to work in the Kitchen 3 days a week and have 2 days of study. I'm kinda half looking forward to it. It will be good to be doing something... so not a big deal... I like cooking and stuff anyway, so it will be cool. But also knowing that cooking, and cooking for 800 people is a completely different thing. Ha!

Thursday... after seeing my counselor.

2004-11-11T14:23:00.000-10:00

Wow.... I need to take some time and speak to my heart.

It's going to be alright. God is doing exactly what He is going to do. You can trust him. He is a nice person and only wants to do good things for you. Just take a deep breathe and remember that He isn't mad at you or upset with you at all. He loves you and wants you to know that He loves you so much! It's okay to be afraid, but remember that He just wants to scoop you up and hug you. God loves to give hugs.

Okay, so after meeting with my counselor today we talked about me meeting with a guy who has come out of homosexuality and she wants me to meet with him and just kinda talk with him. He is a cool guy, crazy guy, but I am glad to know him, he's awesome. Then sometime next week he and Spencer my leader, and Dixie, my counselor, and I will all get together and pray about what it is that I am supposed to do about this situation and the things I deal with... even to the extream of me leaving to go and be submersed into a program for a year somewhere. I am really scared that is what God may have for me... possibly somewhere in arkansas or something. I can't believe it. I am seriously scared to even think about it... but I also know myself really well to know that if that is what God is saying then that is what I will do. I trust God now more than ever, so if that is what is supposed to happen, then so be it.... even though that scares me to death. I don't know what I would do if I had to leave Kona and pick up everything and leave, and go to the other side of the country because of this.... to leave all my friends, ministry, everything. Ministry aside... i don't even care, but to leave all my friends and family here on the island.... oh my gosh, what the crap!?! It's scary. I need to go to the gym or something and get this out of my system, but i am still fairly weak and can't go to the gym.... i don't feel very well today anyway.

Okay heart, I want you to know that I love you and want you to feel safe and loved. God lloves you very much too, and you don't need to be afriad. It's easy to be afraid of the things that you can't see, or understand, but I want you to know that you can trust me. I can't say that I will do everything right, but I will try my hardest to love you so much and to keep you safe. You can trust me and you can trust God. People may have been mean to you in the past but I will keep you safe and I will try hard to not be mean to you anymore either. I am so sorry that I have been mean to you in the past. I don't want to hurt you anymore.

Tuesday

2004-11-09T13:27:00.000-10:00

So far things have been good. After telling some people about all that had been going on, life has seemed to get a bit better. I am learning to change my thinking and change my heart. Meeting with my councelor and all... having her explain about my divided heart and all, was good, but hard. I am expecting things to get much harder as time goes on. I know that just my confessing what had been going on and such, that it's not going to make things just perfect all of a sudden. It's not going to make things dissapear, but it is the first step in my freedom. I am so tired to dealing... but I know that the dealing is just beginning and that I will have so much more dealing to do in the veery near future. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!! The battle will get fierce. I know this. The war is just begun. Homosexuality is not something that is just over in a day, or a week or a month... it's re-learning things, and learning to think differently. Learning to deal with your heart and asking God to move mightily. The God that I believe in says that He finishes the work till completion. He says that He is the Good shepard and the healer of everything.... he can heal me completely!! I have to have faith in that, and trust His word. for the first time, I have hope that I am going to make it through this alive. That I will not end up like my step dad, and that life will get better. I have hope again, for the first time in my life!

It's been kinda hard being taken out of ministry and not doing anything right now.... but it's good too. It's weird not being in leadership and mentoring people and discipling them... but right now, MY heart is the one that needs to be cared for and discipled. It's MY heart that needs to learn some stuff and it's MY heart that needs to get some healing.

I started writing a new song the other day and it's not nearly finished yet but the words say this...
________________________________________________________________________
I came to you- with my heart, though it's not how you meant it to be
can you still recognize the one you call son
i want to be free, can't you see the pain in my soul
will you still take this heart and somehow make it whole

Oh---- oh----

Though I'm crying- my lips will praise you
though i'm wandering- my eyes still look for you
though i'm needy- you reached out to help me
so i will turn away and follow you
i'll turn away and follow you
________________________________________________________________________
It's just where my heart is right now... needing God more than ever. I am still batteling, but I know for the first time that I will come out on top of this. I have to.

too much at once....

2004-11-05T16:05:00.000-10:00

Well... I did it. I finally did it. It was hard, it was difficult, it was really humbling, but I did it. I came out to my fellow staff leaders, and told them of my struggle. I told them what had gone on in the last 4 months or so, and wow, I couldn't feel more loved. It's been hard though, beccause I have had to step out of the School of Worship, and from Worship leadership, but I agree with them that it's a good idea because I need time to get my heart healed up a bit. I already feel like there is such a weight off of my shoulders, and they have been nothing but supporrtive of me. They want to see me get healing and they are willing to fight with me for it and not just send me off and hope that I get it all figured out.

So I have stepped out of leadership for a time so that I can go through some counceling and get my heart in the right place. Yay, Praise God!!

Other than that, I have been super sick. I have a mad case of tonsilitous. It sucks so much. My tonsiles are so inflamed that they are the size of moth balls in the back of my throat, so I can't really talk very well, and swallowing is almost impossible... and when I consuled my nurse friend, she told me to go to the ER and have them removed... the docter there just sent me back home telling me to gargel salt water and take some IB profin. Whatever!

So in the next week or so, I will be meeting with my counselor again. I am looking forward to getting through this, It was time to get on the path of life and light and out of the darkness that was slowly killing me. It's good to be in the open and safe with my leadership.

3 weeks...not 1.

2004-10-30T08:15:00.000-10:00

So it has been quite some time since I last wrote on here... and honestly it's not like there has been a whole lot going on... I mean outside of the normal... busy every second of the day type of normal stuff. Ugh.

Anyway... lets see, I have been going to the gym now for a few weeks and I am loving that. I have been really enjoying my time there, I go about 4 times a week, for about 1 hour to 2 hours. It's awesome. I am already beginning to see a little bit of difference in my body. Not in the bulk of it, but in my arm, I am beginning to see a little bit of growth and muscle. That's nice! Yay!

I am really looking forward to going home in December. I want to get off the island so badly and visit my friends and family. I miss them all so much and can't wait to see them. I am hopiong that I will have a car to use while I am home... not like I can ship my car from here over there for a few weeks.... yeah right. Plus I want to go to vegas and visit my friend over there... that would be so fun.

dissapeared.

2004-10-15T18:32:00.000-10:00

That is what has happened to me lately. I have dissapeared, from the planet over the last few weeks. It's been so crazy! I can't even believe how busy I have been. Life is going around in circles.... and circles. But I am alive and that is a good thing... I think. Sometimes, I wish it wern't so, but it is and I am grateful for it.

A friend of mine and I are going to see Team America tonight, more than likely it will be rather offensive and vulger, but I will probably laugh my ass off too. In fact i was supposed to go and buy tickets for it already because it might sell out. I doubt it, because things never sell out here in Kona, people are just dumb here. Fricken Lord of the Rings didn't even sell out.... neither did spiderman or any of the decent movies. kona is so weird.

So the Ironman is happening tomorrow. Big whoopy! It just means that the traffic will be horrible, as it already is, gas prices will go up, and the streets will be packed with people for hours and hours.... plus I have to go into work for a few hours to help build a box sorter. Yay. I was so looking forward to having the day off completely, but it's all good. Not a big deal really, plus I am working with my friends, so thats cool! :)

Okay, that's my life, I am alive, I haven't completely fallen off the face of the planet.... even though it would be nice sometimes.

Rescue me

2004-10-09T09:45:00.000-10:00

Rescue Me
Copywrite 2004 Morgan Andersen

This is my cry- do you hear my sighing to you
only you

This is my plea- oh look down and see
rescue me- rescue me- from me

Cause I want to feel again- your touch
I want to breathe again- the breath of true love
I want to know again- the dreams you've dreampt up
I want to live again- the life I've dreampt of

my stats:

2004-10-03T09:53:00.000-10:00

Layer One: STATS
Name: Morgan Andersen
Birth date: July 27, 1981
Birthplace: Pomona, California

Current location: Kona, Hawaii
Eye color: brown
Hair color: well, naturally it's brown, but it has gone through so many stages of color... it is currently brown with black in it, but I will be dying it black with red tips soon.
Height: 6'

Weight: 175
Righty or Lefty: righty
Innie or Outtie: innie

Zodiac Sign: Leo

Current mood: content.
Current annoyance: that I need to do laundry... really really bad!
Current thing you ought to be doing: working
Current thing you would rather be doing: playing my guitar, playing video games, going to the movies, laying out at the beach.
Current desktop picture: no picture

Current music favorites: hoobastank, michelle branch, yellowcard, switchfoot, sarah mclachlan, Will Owsley

Current worry: rent is due and i'm broke.

Layer Two: DESCRIBE
Your race:white... very white. I am mostly Danish with some other stuff mixed in, but mostly Danish... very white.

Your weakness: ice cream. ha ha, seriously, i love the stuff!
Your room: pretty plain, but crowded. I have a roommate in my room with me so- two beds, a small desk, I have lights around my bed, a cieling fan, "this is not an exit" sign on the wall, and more stuff to be put on the walls in the next week or so.
Your fears: being alone, hurting people, getting in to a car accident, drowning, getting mugged, having someone hold up my store, spiders, falling in love, hell, lots of things.
Your perfect pizza: pineapple and canadian bacon. Mmmmmmm.
Goal you'd like to achieve: getting my music out there and making a cd.
A new friend you made: Kaz- he is 32 from Japan, but he grew up in England. He is awesome and we have a lot in common. He is a great friend and I am so glad to have known him.

Layer Three: TELL
Your thoughts first waking up: and I quote, "frick, my alarm."
Your best physical feature: my ass. oh wait, I don't really have much of one... um, people say my eyes are nice, I don't know.
Your bedtime: depends, could be anywhere between 10pm and 2am.

Your greatest accomplishment: surviving life up to this point.
Your favorite movies: The Lord of the Rings, Stand by Me, The Sand Lot, Jurassic Park, Harry Potter 3, The Passion of the Christ.

Layer Four: YOU PREFER
Pepsi or Coke: Dr. Pepper or Squirt... i don't like pepsi or coke... pepsi twist isn't too bad.

McDonald's or Burger King: Do I really have to pick one of those? I guess Burger King... unless it's for breakfast, then McDonalds.
Single or Group Dates: Done both, depends on what you want to be doing... group dates are fun, so are single dates.

Mountains or beach: Mountians all the way! I like the beach at night.

Dogs or cats: both are work, but I like them both... i think I am more inclined to dogs right now, because my family has had too many cats in my life.

Adidas or Nike: Vans... I don't like sport shoes.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Uh... Nestea I guess.
Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla all the way!
Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee
American Eagle or Abercrombie: American Eagle
Acoustic guitar or Electric guitar: acoustic
blue pens or black: black
tattoo's or piercings: BOTH!

Layer Five: DO YOU
Smoke: I have.
Cuss: on occasion
Sing well: yes
Have a crush(es): possibly
Do you think you've been in love: yes
Want to get married: maybe one day

Believe in yourself: sometimes but not always
Get motion sickness: not that I can remember

Think you're attractive: um, if I say yes then I am vain, so no.
Think you're a health freak: more now then I used to be... but still not really.

Like thunderstorms: oh yes, I love thunderstorms, but we don't get them much here in the islands.
Play an instrument: Piano- 17 years; Guitar- 6 years; Bass- 6 months

Layer Six: PAST MONTH HAVE YOU
Drank alcohol: yes
Done a drug: no
Gone on a date: no
Gone to the mall: yes
Eaten sushi: yes
Been on stage: yes
Danced with someone: yes
Gone out for drinks: yes
Done Kareoke: no
Been dumped: no
Been dumpee:no
Made homemade cookies: no
Called home: yes
Gone skinny-dipping: no
Been to a movie: yes
Dyed your hair: yes
Stolen anything: yes, laundry detergent and a cup of noodles, both from my roommate.
Met someone new: yes

Saturday again.

2004-10-02T14:03:00.000-10:00

Sitting at work. Listening to Ginney Owens. I forgot how great of an album this is, "Something More". I totally forgot.

Okay, so things have been super interesting lately... We just took our school out to Makapala which is 2 hours north of where we are in Kona. More ofthe jungle.... lots more mosquitos!! We went on a retreat with our School of Worship and that was a lot of fun. God really showed up and met with us. It was mostly just a time to getting to know each other and bonding as a group. This week coming up we will have the audition process where we make our small groups. That is always fun. Yeah right! but it is nice to finnaly be moving with school. The first week is over and now there is only 11 more to go. Then I get to go home in December! Woo hoo!

I really wanna write stuff but I can't right now. I haven't come to grips with myself yet. So I guess I will just have to keep it inside for right now. It's not a horrible thing, but not the healthist thing either. Things will get easier soon.

who am i?

2004-09-25T14:23:00.000-10:00

Ever take time to ask yourself that question? It's something that I do often, but hate doing at the same time. i think that it comes up often because of all that I have come through and all that I have seen and experienced. Just who am i?

More often than not, I realize that i am changing. it's odd actually. When I begin to figure out who I am, something happens and I am thrown into a daze full of unanswered questions and problems. It gets old rather quickly. *smirk* I get tired and lose patience when it comes to figuring out who I am... but I am also overwhelmed with wanting to come into the realization of who I truely am. I am tired of feeling lost and out of place in the world, afraid that one more bad move or wrong decision will send me into a spiral of self-hate and unholiness.

Do I sound like I am taking this a little too far? Maybe, but I don't think so. I do have a tendency to be more dramatic about things than I need to be, but for the most part, I thin kright now, I can say these things without feeling like I am a walking Soap Opera. God, Days of our Lives should have been off the air years ago!

Sick and tired of this world, theres no more air, tripping over myself, going nowhere... waiting, sufficating, no direction, I took a dive and.......

So here I sit... working for an amazing community of believers, I am a prominent person on campus, not in position, but I am well known, yet I struggle with things that constantly tear me down. Its so hard. Part of me is so excited to go home, but so afraid that I will just mess up and be stupid. I need strength more than ever to make the right decisions and to deny the things that cry out inside me to do things that would hurt and be damaging. Ugh.... life really blows sometimes.

hectic

2004-09-21T07:58:00.000-10:00

It's Tuesday and our Worship School students arrive on Thursday. I can't believe that it's here already. Didn't the last one just finish? Didn't they just leave? Can it possibly be happening all over again? Wow, this is seriously crazy. I love it though. What am I doing for this quarter... I am overseeing exploring worship- which runs on tuesday mornings. It's a worship time focused on exploring different types of worship... worship rom different cultures, art in worship... in languages... all sorts of things. I am also the administrative guy for the school leaders doing alot of leg work for them. I also help with the quardination for taking our worship teams through the different schools going on this quarter. It's going to be a vey busy quarter. Not only so because of all that, but I will run a small group... probably have a 1-on-1 with the guy in our school and I am also in training for leading the next school. That's crazy! to think that I am going to be leading the school of worship in March. Wow.
It's now 20 to 8, night time... and it's been one heck of a day. I am not about to go home and get ready for tonight. i am going out with some friends to have a few drinks and also sing some karaeoke. I can't wait! it's gonna be so much fun! I am really tired and something is really bothering my eye... just the right one, but that is not gonna stop my night. NO WAY!

I guess that's it for now.

day one- the novel

2004-09-19T14:17:00.000-10:00

Aloha,

This is the blog of my life. i wont bore you with all the profile stuff, if you want to know about me, check there... there is pleanty of info about me there... this is about life.

Lets see, where to start. Here's the history lesson...

I was born in Pomona California, July 27th, 1981. My mother was single at the time and the guy who knocker her up took off after she got pregnant. Because she was single and for other reasons, my aunt and grandmother told her to get an abortion. So my mother who had not been walking with God for a while at this point decided to go and have me aborted. My Aunt dropped her off and told her she would come back to pick her up. So sitting in the clinic, she was filling out the papers and The Lord spoke to her and told her that if she aborted me she would never have kids again. That there was purpose for my life and that He had a great calling and destiny for me. Long and short of it... I'm typing this. :)
Growing up was weird... I honestly couldn't remember much of my childhood when I got older because of all that had gone on... (you'll understand more later, I promise) I lived in the same house my entire life, on the same street my entire life, and had no friends who lived near me for most of my life. I was for the most part the outcast in different situation, and had a few friends here and there. Most of them girls because I didn't like playing soccer or football at recess.
By Jr. high, I was alone, with no friends from elementary school. That was hard. We all know how crappy Jr. high can be, and then to have no friends at all, makes it worse. in most of my classes, we had the same handful of people and there was one guy who I clicked with. It was awesome. We were totally twins, everything was the same and I finnaly had a friend that liked me and understood me... for the most part. Over the next two years of jr. high, 6th and 7th grade... we had become almost sexually active with each other. Never having sex, but doing a lot of other things. Growing up in a fairly sheltered life, I never really thought much of us touching each other and stuff as being wrong... i didn't know any better. One night I was going to spend the night at his house, he must have said something that really freaked me out or something, because I called home and told my mom that I needed to come home. I never saw him again after that.
My parents... (mom and stepdad who she married when I was 6) pulled me out of school, and homeschooled me for two years- 8th and 9th grade year. That was hard but good. It was in this time that I finnaly opened up to one of my friends at church about what had happened with this guy in jr. high. I had never told anyone, because of the shame of it all, and the fact that all of a sudden I knew it was wrong. Long and short of it, I ended up talking to my youth pastor, and he talked to my parents. After many tears and hugs, my mom, who is not a prrofessional counselor but has a real knack for it... decided that we would meet because I was homeschooled and we would check in on how I was doing and stuff. Not the type of stuff that you want to talk to your mom about... I never really said much, but because i had dealt with depression and suicide in those times, she wanted to make sure I wasn't gonna kill myself. (Yay Mom, you rock)
High school was awesome... I was put back into public school my 10th grade year. Met new people, got to kinda start new, and those were good years. I graduated with a 4.0gpa, was the lead in the school play, and sang at my graduation. It was wonderful. Jr. high was some of the darkest years of my life, and High school rocked my world. I wasn't the popular kid, but I was known as "that white guy with the great voice". I still laugh about that. (My school is primarily Mexican, and African American.) So I was well known enough. Then came after high school. What do I do with my life now that I graduated? Most high school seniors, have picked their college they are going to... the tech school, the community college or whatever... not me, my folks told me I was going to YWAM to do a DTS. (YWAM= Youth With A Mission: A mission organization involved with world wide missions; DTS= Discipleship Training School: the entry level program. A 5 month mission time of learning about God and then putting to use your 12 weeks of lecture on the field in a foreign nation for 2 months.
During my time in the DTS, I learned so much... we had many different classes.... every week was a different topic and so focused on God. It was awesome! We had one week on the Cross and what Christ did for us on the cross. It was in this week wher my past came back to knock me on the floor... literally. During one of the ministry times, the speaker had us come forward and get prayer. I went forward and the Lord revealed so much to me. My childhood was so cloudy for the most part because I had blocked so much of it out. I had this flood of memories that were horrible. Memories, of most of my guys friends starting at age 5 touching me sexually, over and over again... seeing different people doing different things to me. It was no wonder that by jr. high, it seemed normal to me. It had been happening to me since I was 5 till jr. high. Weeping and sobbing for some time, she was praying for me and helping me to move forward. I received a lot of healing during that time.
Fast forward... I finished my DTS by going to New Zealand for 2 months and doing all sorts of minsitry there. After that, I went home for 2 years and worked and saved knowing that I would go back to Kona to staff... that was the word of the Lord for me. In that time, I made some of the best friends ever and also got engaged. Both of which I had never had... true friends, or a fiencee. In july 2001, I returned to Kona to start staffing for a period of 2 years. Over the next two years so much would happen, things that I had no idea would happen. I would staff 3 DTS's, go to places like Thailand, Nepal and Fiji, have hundreds of students that I would have affected in some way, been in the hospital twice... get really sick and get IV's in me, kill chickens to eat them in villages, have food and stuff stolen and also see God do so many amazing changes in the life of my students, myself and the countries we were in. I would also lose my fiencee, and most of my close friendships from home when I returned in July of 2003. I would also lose my stepdad, as he would have an affair with another man and leave my family behind him, only 5 months after I left in July.
That summer was very lonely and dark for me. My fiencee, were on bad terms because of how we saw things... and also because of the directions we chose to go. She wanted to stay home and be a teacher, I wanted to go and do mission work around the world. There wasn't a way to mix the both of them I guess. Because of this break up with her, my friends didn't know how to be with us both and us not be together, so many of my friends stopped talking to me and left me out to dry. Those months between August, and November were very very lonely. I spent a lot of time at home, with my family, which was good... but still i missed my friends. I started going to a new church along with my home church. My home church Granite Creek Community Church, and my new church Soul Survivor Church. One I went to because I grew up there and I had relationship, even though I wasn't getting anything out of it. The other becuase it was radical, and stirred me to persue God more.
November came around and I left home again for Kona, this time going as a Student. I would spend the next 3 months in an intense school... the School of Worship. I had been leading worship for some time by this point... and it was time to get more training. Little did I know that I would spend the next 5 weeks crying my guts out, everyday, crying and sobbing as the Lord would slowly begin healing my heart that has been so wounded. Things from the past, things with my dad, things with my sins and struggles with life and love and homosexuality, and even if I am one or not. Dealing with betrayel, wounds, and everything else... mostly dealing with my own concepts of who I am and how I thought God saw me and what He thought of me. When I saw His true heart for me, and I started to grasp the healing He was giving me, things began to get easier.
I would then come on staff with the School Of Worship and make a 2 year commitment to staffing it till 2006. In fact our new school, my second time staffing the school, starts on Thursday. Woo hoo!

History 101. There is so much else in there I could write, but that is the majority of it. That's alot for a first post.