so much on the mind

Wow, this week has been absoloutly insane! I have been running in every direction. Helping with the school, the co[ncert, working the kitchen, preping for Love Feast, meeting with people, dealing with myself and all that goes with that... went in for an HIV test today, just to get checked... wont have the answer for three weeks... um... what else? Oh yeah, I'm leaving for home in just 2 weeks and so I'm trying to get everything in order for that... plus pay for rent which I can't yet... good times.

Life has been insane... I have also been feeling a little off lately. Mainly heath wise. I have been doing so good with struggles and stuff... but i have been having these horrible head aches that last for close to 4 days. It's been horrible. So I have been feeling a little off.

I am also considering going to this palce in Tennesee called Love in action see the website... www.loveinaction.com
It's a residental place and it really expensive, but I think God might be sending me there. In prayer I have only heard one thing... "9 months" and it's been making me mad because I have wanted to know what that meant, and I felt like God was leading me to do something for 9 months and then coming back. So then when this place came up, I saw that it has a 9 month program and it's the only one for 9 months that I have seen. So that's kinda weird. Anyway, I am open to anything right now... just kinda waiting to see what happens. It sounds like a really intense program, but it could be really good. I am going to meet with someone about it tomorrow around 3. Yay! I am a little nervous, but it will be good.

okay, I need to go home, i am really tired.

Strength to overcome sin

"Chapter 5 seems to be rather intense even before I read it. [sigh] dealing with sin is hard, but necesary. Lord help me to get all that I need to out of this chapter."

Sin can be erased only though it's exposure. It's painful, but our exposeure is readily ecliped by the Esposed one, He who bore the weight of all sin and shame bears our own.

The language of sin has been replaced by the secular language of recovery. Without the words of redemption, we struglle to bring a meaningful offering to Christ. How then can He bear our burden if we frame it in secular terms? We may receive human empathy, but not divine absoloution, that which we need to set our hearts free.
"It's so easy to just say, 'oh it's a struggle', and not see it for what it is- sin. We, [I] need to see sin as sin."

When you begin to lose the sense of sin, you lose the meaning of the cross. And Christ crucidied is the base and source of all healing. - Leanne Payne

Confession and Community
1 John 1:6-9 If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
John anchored confession in two truths, our need to acknowledge sin and our need for one another in light of sin.
James 5.16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
Healing is directly connected to confession. Healing requires confession. In revealing our sin to each other, we detach from deadly sources and unite with life in Christ. We are made whole through communion with fellow sinners.
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REVELATION: We are all sinners. Okay, okay, I know that this seems really silly to say, but the truth in that statement really hit me. We NEED each other, and we are all sinners. We all have our problems and issues, and we are able to come to wholeness with others. It is part of God's purposes, for us to be with each other. It's not a matter of doing with on your own with God, but we need each other, with the confession of sin to each other, we are able to become more free!
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Without confession, we can remain alone, skimming the surface of God's grace in less revealing aspects of relationship. In confession, comes the 'final break through to fellowship'. He we experience a connection with others that rescues us from the domination of sin. We are thus enables to resist what is deadly and choose life- rather communion with Jesus. We will discover Jesus in the humble, trustworthy brother of sister next to us.
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Revelation: okay, again... we need each other. It's amazing how through all this God has been really messing with me in the area of relationships. without confession we can remain alone... CRAP... wow, that is where I was. Since I have come out with things that I have been dealing with, I have more deep friendships that ever before. I have the belief that people are my friends. For the first time in my life, I actually believe that people are my friends and that people actually like me. I know that sounds sad, but it's true. It's great, I believe it, I know it to be true. Actually, Adam has been a great source of healing for me. His friendship has been something that I have wanted for so long. Not necessarily HIS, but someone, who likes being around, that you can see each other everyday and not be tired of each other, and enjoy hanging out all the time, and being able to be goofy and crazy, but also be able to be real and serious about things too. Someone, who you can be honest with and bare before and know that they are still your friend no matter what. This has been amazing for me to see and amazing for me to have in my life. A friend with no stipulations, no pre-resiquets, just friendship. Thanks Adam, I truely love you bro!--------------------------------------

Two deaths that confession requires of us. The first being the crusifixion of the social saint.

Dying to the False Self
Simple fact- through confession we put to death any false image of perfection, therefore we cannot hide.
Public confession destorys our pride. This is the front that we put up to show that we are alright. That wall of pride must be torn down, for healing to come in. Humbling ourselves before God and others, gives us that freedom to recieve the grace from Christ.
The second death we die is to the sin that we have confessed.

Dying to Sin
Confessing sin, means to die to the sin. It signifies the deeper work of repentance. In naming the sin, we must also turn from the sin, releasing what is false to God.
Repentance is not always easy. it can feel like death. Resurrection is on its way, but en route we endure our own small crosses.
The cross bids us die. Our confession must initiate the decision to let go of the idol we have cherished.

Confession and Forgiveness
When Christ sent out the disciples, he gave them the charge to forgive people of theiir sins... we as his disciples have the same call. Assurance of forgivness results from a priestly proclamation. Without the witness, we are prone to mumbling admissions of sin and absolving ourselves neither of which can impart the power of new life to us.

Confession and Church Covering
Through confession we become known.
The church has no mystical power it save us from sin unless we activly engage with her. This means more than just attendance. It's crucial to have this connection, for people who are dealing with sexual and relational sins. These are failures taht inflame foolsih desires, and frustrate our real needs. What remains is our yearning for love, and connection, for belonging.
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"This is another truth for my life... Its been so crucial for me to have this connection with others, with my struggle with sin... but the desires and needs are legitimate... needs for accecptance, love, relationship, a place to belong. These are things that I have been writing in my songs for many many months. Wanting these things but unsure of how to get them. It comes through confession. Who'd have thought!? To be covered by fellow believers, and be accepted even at the place of confession, gives me a sense of belonging and love and relstionship with others. It's no wonder I have felt outside of things and alone for so long."
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Owning Relational Sins
Sexual sin can be understood as a type of narcissism, it is inherently self-serving.
The greatest sin, may not be to the porn, or masturbation, or fantasy, or any of the outward expressions of sin, but it is the selfishness you exibit in with-holding yourself from your loved ones.
Sexual sin is wrong because it causes us to reduce people to the sum of our lusts. Broken sexuality endermines our reslationships.

Steps of Confession
First we must seek out trustworthy "priests". It may be a pastor, or mentor, or trusted friend. They pray with you, listen to you, and commit to walking with you.
Having found a "priest", in plain terms we tell them what we have done. No beating around the bush; this is a time to come clean. We define the falsehood and take responsibility for it.
Next, the priest helps us to bind the sin away from us and onto the cross. (Binding and loosing- Matthew 16.18-19)
We must remember that confession may not be a one time thing, we may need to confess things time and time again until we have dominion over it.

Our priest administers forgivness and cleansing, and blesses us as one beloved of the Father. Sin breaks relationship, confession restors it. Our preistly friend thus administers the blessing of our belonging that closes the gap left inside from the sin. They may also offer words of encouragment and healing. As confession exposes our failures, we need to be covered afresh by the kindness and tenderness of the saints.
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This is something that I am so blessed with. Dave McDaniel, is amazing at this. He listens and cries with you as you deal with things, but has the ability to see things as they are, and to then cover and speak words of love and healing and acceptance. I am so grateful for people like that. I have found others to be that way as well... J-C has been a super blessing to me in this, with his wisdom and encourgament... Adam as been as well... a friend who will listen and encourage along the way... even Spencer and Vanessa too. They have been so supportive and wanting to do wathever it takes to allow my heart to get the healing it needs. I am so amazed lately at the relationships that I have now. People who really love me, and people who I really love as well in return. I am so blessed by these people and by their love for people and for God... This battle is going to be victorious due to the fact that God is doing a powerful work in me AND I have these people around me.
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In general

This is the not so "out of the book" post for today. This book has been consuming me and even though it's an amazing book, and I will buy my own copy at some point soon, I just want to write my thoughts and so forth and not be just re-typing stuff out of a book.

Today is really gloomy. Outside looks like it could rain all day. At least I will be inside all day. I'm working at my weekend job today. My boss asked me to cover Monday for them. No biggie... I could use the extra cash. So here I am, just hanging, gonna open the store in about 2 minutes.

I'm pretty stiff. my neck is killing me. I think i have been pushing a little too hard at the gym. I have been really working myself over the last 2 days. Pulling like 3 or 4 sets of 15, at about 50 weight, which if you see me, I am not all that big, so it's quite a bit. But hey whatever. I am still going... not today though, i need to give my body a rest.

On a more internal note- I am a little nervous about going to see Dixie this week. I think she expects me to have an answer as to what I am supposed to do in the near future. Wether I am supposed to stay around or go some place, I just don't know what to do, I feel like I should stick around for a while, but I don't know what that looks like or anything. I don't feel right in just leaving right now. Hmmmm... So I'm a little freaked out.

I have been doing so well though, still have things going through my head, and desires that shouldn't be there, but not as frequently. Lusting after people has gotten so good to. I am SO happy about that! I always feel so grimey and sick with myself when I am in that place of looking at someone else. So I am super happy that, that has gotten so much better. Everyday I have to still ask God to be my strength, it's hard some days, but I do see a difference in how I am seeing people and even though I can't explain it, something inside is changing.

I have been really shocked lately, seeing that the relationships that I have are as amazing as they are! Adam, has quickly become one of my closest friends... getting to be around him and laugh about stuff, and have fun, and also be able to talk about serious stuff, it has been awesome! Funny how over a year ago I called him up in Reno to chat about his DTS application before we accepted him. I always laugh at how God works stuff out... I had no idea at that time that we would become such good friends. It's kinda weird. We had kinda planned on hanging out one time and since then we see each other every day. I love that though. Because it's like the first time where I feel like someone that I consider my friend, considers me their friend and they like to hang with me as much as I like hanging out with them. JC is another one. He may be a little older than I am, but his insight and wisdom into situations is wonderful... plus he's friggen hilarous to hang out with. Being around him has really given me new hope for coming through this struggle. Before I used to think that I would just have to live life and just suppress and feel like an idiot or something, but knowing him and hearing about his life and the things that he has come through, it gives me hope for God to complete the work in me too! Yay God.

I think it is becouse of these people and others here in Kona, that the thought of leaving is one of the hardest decisions that I will have to make. Mind you, I am not going to allow that to be the diciding factor.... because it can't be, I have to follow the Lord's leading. I just hope that if i do have to go somewhere, that these people will continue to be involved in my life, and that I will have support and friends like these where ever I may end up... if I do have to go away that is. (ha ha)

Something on my mind though lately is this concept of what my true identity is. I sometimes freak out a little because if God is bringing me into my true identity, then what have I been living in my entire life? Who am I going to be when this finishes? What will I be like? Will I even like me? I don't know if that even makes sense, but these are the things that are swimming through my brain as of right now. I trust that God is making me whole, but I wish that I could know even just a little of what that looks like. I assume it will still be me, but maybe without as much pain inside, or wounds or something. "I don't know, but I do trust You God."

Chapter 4

Strength to Leave Shame Behind

Shame is the raincoat of the soul, repelling the living water that would otherwise establish us as the beloved of God. It prevents us from receiving grace and truth where we need them the most. Many factors contribute to shame, but ultimately the problem is that we resist the reality of the Fathers love; believing falsely that our sin and weakness disqualify us for eceiving his love.


Good Shame Versus Bad Shame
Good shame alerts us to our seperation from God and others, causing us to cry out to God for mercy.Good shame can lead to life. Bad shame forms a "shame coat" causing us to conclude that we are unworthy of love or honor. Bad shame expresses itself as 'an inner torment, a sickness of the soul' that divides us from self, others and God. Bad shame invites the soul to turn on itself rather than to welcome mercy.
Everyone experiences acute shame- painful moments, sharp but temporary. Where those with chronic shame, have this permenant trait based upon repeated shameful experiences. These people live diminished lives with little expectation of empowerment and joy.

Shame and Fallenness
Shame as a mark of seperation corresponds with fear and flight. 'Adam in his nakedness hid from God' Gen.3.10
Shame is synonymous with the idea of covering or concealing, as the fig leaf would suggest.
The awareness of shame is a reckoning with lost innocence, the realization that one now has the potential to hurt another and to be hurt, to honor God and to dishonor him.
How do we steward the reality of our shame?
(Even after the fall, God saw that they were ashamed of their nakedness, and gave them 'animal skins' to cover themselves when they left the garden. Even though they has sinned, He still provided for them and still had mercy upon them to not want them shamed any longer. God's grace is amazing! I can see how he has done that for me too. His mercy was for me to come out with this in a way that would not shame me more. He knew my heart and that I was already in a deep place of shame and pain, and allowed this whole process to be filled with his mercy so that I would be 'covered' through this, so that I wouldn't be shamed any more.)

Stwearding Shame
Shame can be a revelatory, positive emotion, we should seek to recognize the good in shame. This alerts us of wrong doing, and the need for correction. Shame plays a vital role in the development of the conscience. Shame gaurds self-respect and motivates us to make and maintain boundries in relationships. When they are crossed, we know. Shame applies pointedly to relational and sexual intimacy. Shame alerts us to premature uncovering of our humanity. Misbegotten sexuality squanders something profound and intimate, thus hightening our shame response.
Shame is often described as "dishonor, fallen pride"- a loss of face.

"He who is shamed would like to force the world not to look at him, not to notice his exposure." -Erik Erikson

The pain of exposure may distance one from much needed help, thus Shame can prove resistant to its cure.
Secondly, GUILT and SHAME are not the same thing. Guilt posses a more rational, objective quality, where shame floods the self with acute and dreadful feelings. It can thus immobilize the one who has lost face. Guilt on the other hand is a negative evaluation of a specific behavior. A guilty person is more likely to act redemptively. A shameful person, may be less incline to ture to the light, since they are "fundamentally bad". Exposure means more pain, more self-hatred, more rejection; not an ascent into honor or empowerment. Shame deadens the soul.

(This is something that definintly hit close to home. Sure I felt guilty about the things that I was doing but, it was way WAY more shame based. I can see now, that is why it took so long to talk about it. Within shame I was more afraid of being exposed and rejected again. Afraid of hating myself more than I did at the present moment. I was on a path of complete death, both internal and outward.)

Sexual Shame
Sins against the body as Paul calls them, can provoke sensations of exposure to, and seperation from others. Appropriate shame related to illicit sex is one thing, believing that you have commited the unforgivable sin is another. Religious cultures are often guilty of magnifying sexual shame to the degree that it's stain seems indelible, it's beyond the grace of God.
(Wow, could this be any more true?! That is exactly how it has felt. That I was unable to come into the grace of God. That the things that I had done, or been involved with or anything, was too bad for God. Weird though, knowing that God is big and good, and that nothing is too much for Him, still in my heart I couldn't come to grips with myself, that God was able to deal with my brokenness. Thank you God for being BIG enough for me.)
Gender shaming becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy- the accusation of "faggot" or "dyke" is realized as one's vulnerability becomes an identity. Gender shame does not cause adult homosexuality, but it contributes to it.

Shame and Contempt
One thing that often results from early experience of chronic shame is self-hatred. People who have been subject to profound rejection will often blame themselves. They believe they deserve to be rejected. These people will then turn to things to lessen the pain of rejection- this cycle of degredation of addiction produces more shame and more self-hatred- the cycle continues.

The Good, but False Self
One of the most common responses to shame is when we present an image of ourselve to others that is more capable,, more emotionally healthy, and more morally upright that we really are. We are projecting a good but false self, it's misleading and hypocritical... especially in dealing with homosexuality. Dealing with this false self is crucial. We must identify it so that we do not risk empowering a mere image, that way the truth and light of Christ can come in.
(This was totally me. This has been me for years. Sometimes, able to just suppress the emotions and feelings and whatever... but ultimatly, showing a false self so that I would be okay.)
The greatest fear of the good, false self is this: "If you really knew me, you wouldn't love me!"
The Christian community often approves of the good false self. Though this we come into a place of splitting ourselves... into a "good self", and "bad self". The good is all that is right and perfect, the bad is all that is wrong and shameful.

This splitting keeps a person bound. In this state, a person is not able to freely admit that they are a sinner. Until one can freely admit one's needs, weakness and failures, one cannot experience the grace to be a whole human being. Nor can they reckon with their flaws.

The danger of the good false self lies in deception. If one's value seems to be bound up in "goodness", than anything that belies the good-boy, good-girl image must be buried and denied. To cope with the anxiety over the exposure of the bad self, the peron may lie to cover up the reality of what is actually going on outside of the sphere in which the good, false self is celebrated. This good, false self often leads to a double life. The avoidance of the defective self contributes to this double life, the good Christian on one side and the sexual addict on the other. They are able to live out both, lying to either side to keep face.

The Cross as Shame's Cure
For our weakness and shame, God allowed himself to become weak and full of shame. He was strung up naked before a mocking crowd. He subjected himself to the worst kind of exposure in order to make a way for us, his creation. The Scripture tells us that Christ, "for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame... Consider him who endured such oposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." HEB. 12.2-3
"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Cor 5.21

Cleansing from Shame
First the victory involves the power of the resurrection- God's powerful love imparted to us as the basis of our new identity, but second putting on the new garments of righteousness also means taking off the old coats of shame. Thus the victory over shame must involve the power of God's cleansing.
Luke 15.20 The father of the prodigal son, runs toward him and wraps his arms around him and kisses him. Affectionatly the father closes the gap between the son's perceived unworthiness and his desire to return to the father. (vs21) He displaces his son's shame with the power of his loving presence. The father then grants his sona robe of honor, the best one possible. (v.22) Having displaced the son's shame with the power of his love, the father clothes him with honor. Jesus does the same for us, time and time again. His death on the cross released a cleansing river that removes shame. Through his ressurection he covers us with a coat of righteousness, fitted and wrapped around us like a holy embrace.

Nonshaming Communities
Our turn from shame must be mediated by a new community. We need people who provide new models and new sources of identification for us. It is the witness of his nonshaming people that fres us to actually grasp at the human level that it is safe to be human

(I am stunned at the ammount of truth that is in this book. It seems like the writer was taking my life and writing it out for every reader to see. It's kinda freaky. I am so amazed at the grace of God. How He gently draws us back to Himself, and doesn't want us to be in places of shame. His desire is to pour over us his river of grace and cleansing. The amazing thing is that a river is always moving and flowing, constantly washing away things... this will be a process, but the river is washing me.)

Chapter 3- Strength to love well.

We must choose the Cross over the Sword in relationship with others. It is easy for us to become defensive and hostile towrads others in relationships, but we must be in places of humility and love towrads others and not cut and slice others apart.

Crises and the Cross
Our capacity to grasp the relevance of the cross may hinge upon relational crisis. Sometimes we need to be woken up by disastrous events that provoke our surrendur to Christ. Without harsh realities before us, we might remain in blissful darkness. We can choose not to see what is.

Our relational asperations may involve certain controlling mechanisms we employ to keep truth at bay. When we fall apart, we may be ready for surrender to Christ and the hope of new life. Often with long-standing Christians, they love Jesus and are faithful to Him as best they can be, but when their world starts to collapse, they expend Herculean efforts to keep the walls from collapsing.

God is merciful to bear with us when our weaknesses seep out of containment and into sin. Sometimes we are aware of our need to be saved only when we face what is destroying us. Then comes the choice, Jesus or the slow strangulation of sin. At this point, we may finally be ready to give our lives away to the One who can strengthen us with divine love.
"This is so where I was at. God has been more than merciful to me in this entire situation. To face the very things that were destoying me was the only way to not be strangled slowly. Interesting how that idea of dying slowly pertains to my life and the word that Kenny gave me... that there was suicide on me. I was dying slowly.

The Cross and Hope
Amid the relational wreckage, Jesus is present, willing to assume sin in all its diverse expressions. The prophet Isaiah spoke of the Suffering Servant who would bear the weight of our infirmities and sorrows. (Isaiah 53:4) The words are literally translated from the hebrew as "the sickness of sin". That includes the reverberating effects of disobedience- sin and wounds, the inexplicable losses we endure this side of heaven, the disorder wrought by affliction of many kinds. Jesus in his powerful simplicity grants us hope amid the temptation to despair as we face the realities of our lives.

The Cross and the New Creation
(Read 2 Corinthains 5.15-19) In other words, Christ reconciles us to himself. Our real selves emerge in that union with Him. And out of that posture of yeilding to him, we discover a new basis for understanding our adequacy and security as human beings.

"Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is his) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him." - C. S. Lewis

My Background does not determine my relational destiny, Jesus does.

Facing our Hostility towards the Other
Some of us may be tempted by the illusion that we can avoid conflict, many broken ones shut down in relations to the opposite gender, spiritualizing their needs and identities in union with Jesus alone. That is understandable, since Jesus is perfect, while people are painfully fallible. Yet God does not grant us the freedom to avoid our need to work out our salvation together as male and female. He calls us to wrestle with our need, and our fear, of the other.

Resurrection of the Image
Beaten down men are passive; beaten down women are defensive and self contained.
1 Peter 3.1-7

Man needs to express his power in blessing woman; woman needs to believe in the truth and integrity of that blessing. In reponding to it, she can rise up and bless him as well. This pattern of initiative and response grants us a powerful glimpse of gender wholeness.

Strength in weakness- good points.

(Introduction)
Layers around weakness
SHAME- causes us to lie, and rely on our selves. Putting up the "fig leaf" and pretent that everything is okay, like Adam and Eve in the garden after they fell.
SIN- is not weakness, but wickedness. We make decisions for either good or bad, those decisions will either draw us closer to God or pull us from God.
WOUNDING- abuse, inadequite love, any defecit, etc... wounds misdirect us, fueling our sin.
WEAKNESS- includes the tendency towards habitual sin. In weakness we are able to feel completely free from our struggles until its in our face and then we must make a choice for either life or death.
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In 2 Corinthians 12.9, God didn't take out Pauls thorn out, but told him that His grace would be sufficient for him, and that his weakness would perfect God's strength in him.

Chapter 1- God's image in humanity
"Man becomes the image of God now so much in the moment of solitude as in the moment of communion" - John Paul II

Part of God's provision for Adam and Eve's humanity lay in their difference. We are rightfully called out of our aloneness by the blend of similarity and dissimilarity that marks heterosexual encounter. "Intimacy is intinsified by otherness."

The true self always includes one's gender identity and it's relation to the opposite sex.
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Chapter 2- Facing the broken image
Freedom to live out God's design for our life, involves an honest look at how broken we really are. Only in dealing honestly with the shame, sin and woundings that shroud God's image in us can we begin to emerge out of our brokenness.
"Disobedience... is therefore denial of one's own humanity, to live in such a way as to resist the Word and will of God in favor od our instinctive rights and desires it to live inhumanly."

In Adam and Eve's fall they were no longer unashamed of themselves but covered themselves out of a place of shame. The fig leaf conveyed shame and seperation from pure trust in the others love. They were now self-conscious and uncertain of their identity in relation to one another, and also conscious of the others uncertainty.

"Without the freedom to be for God and the other, we live in contradiction to our basic humanity" - John Paul II

We no longer live in a relationship of opennes and trust with GOd and one another, we sin and we hide in our shame. The armored and alienated selves we have become, alinate others as well.

Genesis 3.15- I [God] will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head and you will strike his heel.
The snake will strike our heels. That conveys Satans authority to target vulnerable areas of our humanity and to undercut us there.

Genesis 3.16 Your will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.
Eve was God's response to Adam's aloneness, and in fact it was Eve's inspired respose to him that awakened his heart. After the fall, the womans primary relational gift became a potential source of brokenness- all through her 'desire' for him. "desire" can mean many things, the best interpertation is one that conveys inordinate desire; an exclusive, possessive yearning for the man. Under the weight of sin, woman loses a certain freedom to be in relationship with man, instead she becomes insecure, grasping for meaning and purpose in union with him.

God gave her this 'desire' as a result of her sin because she is vulnerable to acting deceptively apart from him. She became persuaded by evil and her husband followed suit. With the advent of sin, she became subject to his authority as a consequence and as a check to her potential for deception. But Adam's rule over Eve resulted as much from his abdictation of responsibility as it did from her initial deception. He followed her into deception and then blamed Even, thus rule over her was a consequence of his sloppy and immature responce to her inital deception.
Man was created first and woman second- this order signifies something about man's need to initiate good for the woman, and the woman's need to respond to that good. But in the fall, woman was deceived first and led the man into deception, an act taht inverted the gender order established in creation. Male leadership and female submission is now in question.

(Genesis 3.17-19) Because of Adam, man now faces a potentially idolatrous relationship with his work, as he is tempted to find his identity in his accomplishments and work.

Adultery disables lives. Outside of the hard realities of domestic life the new lover appears ideal. The answer to one's emotional and physical needs. In contrast, the exisiting partner seems like a drudge, inseperable form the realities of everyday life. Consequently, adultery is conceived in illusion and spawnsnew and cruel illusions about one's "right" to self-fulfillment. These are lies that shatter those left behind. Adultery fits under the fornication category- which includes any sexual act performed outside of heterosexual marraige.

Instead of enhancing it's participants, fornication reduces one to the object of the other's physical desire. Each partner becomes a collection of body parts, sensual and soulless. Split off from the profound emotion that emerges from hard-won commitment, sexual excitment results in a 'closing down of the horizon of the mind and heart'. But the bitter fruit is stored in the mind none the less. Multiple sexual partners become encoded int he brain. Through the powerful recall of our momories, we live with false lovers long after the affairs have ended.
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It's amazing how much I got out of the first 2 chapters in this book. There is so much that I have been through that he has confronted already. Everything from false identity issues to sexual brokenness and so forth. God has been really beginning to bring in a new sense of hope and future though this struggle in my life. Also with Him pouring such revelation into my life, I am seeing myself the way that I think I was supposed to my entire life. It's weird to see myself as loved and important, because of all that I have been through, and experience and put myself through, it's seemed impossible for me to be anything special, or important or worth loving at all... but the Grace of God truly is sufficient for me, and His love covers all. Amazing how that works. It's something that I cannot fully comprehend at all... how God knows all we do, and still loves us completely. Thank you Jesus for your love and mercy.

In the introduction of the book, it talks about the layers around weakness... I have come through the shame layer, and moving through the sin layer into the wounding layer. The sin layer is one I believe that we will always fight becuase we contantly sin, but moving through it is possible. The wounding layer is one that I am a little nervous about because it is one that is the biggest for me, and one that will take some time to get through, there is a lot of wounding... and a lot to go through before getting to the weakness layer. But through all this, God will be good, and help me, as will my friends and mentors. I can't do this on my own, I know that so much now. Into the wounding layer... here we go, my time for healing has come!

Am I leaving?

So I talked with Dixie and JC the other day and "ugh", I went through another thorough overhaul as to what all I had been into and going through and my history and stuff. That was ahrd... not too hard but still having to dig stuff up again... but we then prayed about what to do and wether I am supposed to stay in Kona or go somewhere else. Ugh!! Dixie felt like i was to go somewhere else for a very submersed program that will help me. (sigh) So I kinda freaked out a litte bit, but there wasn't a time frame or anything. Still I don't have a peace about leaving... at least not right now. So I told her that if I don't feel like I am supposed to go, but this is your reccommendation for me to do this, then what does that mean? If I choose not to does that mean I get kicked out of my ministry and stuff? This is not so fun. I was really freaked out, not sure what I am going to do. So I am still planning on going home, over christmas break and I will look into stuff at home.

I need to figure out what I am going to do. God please speak to me.

Outward vs inward

1 Samuel 16.7- But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Since I am going though so much and meeting with a councelor and dealing with my gender issues and so forth, she thought that a study on the heart would be a good thing to do. The way the study works is I have to read every scripture on the heart and not really figure out the greek or hebrew or anything like that, but I have to write down revelations and or questions that come up as I read through them all. So I was reading this scripture today in 1 Samuel, and the Lord began to speak... It was a good reminder that God looks at our hearts and not just our outwardness... He sees the things we do, but He sees our hearts... which could be both good or bad. Sometimes our hearts are just as wicked as our actions. For me my heart is so broken that my actions come from places of true hurt and brokenness. Therefore God sees my heart and knows that it's from hurt and pain, not that it makes it okay for me to have acted out on things, but He sees the pain and wants to bring healing into those places.

I then think about how quickly I am to judge by the way that i see things. In the scripture The Lord is telling Samuel not to think that He knows who will be King of Isreal because of how it looks... that David, would be King and he was the least likely... but how I so often do the same thing, judging things by what I see... when it's a persons heart that it should come down to. It's then also hard at times to judge accoding to a persons heart becuase then it takes time and relationship to judge a persons heart. We have to know that person, there must be vounerability, and openness, etc.

What can I do to not judge by the outward appearance? What can I do to see the heart of people. Must I first get a revelation of my own heart before I can see others hearts? Hmmmm.... So many questions.

Stress-o-meter

Okay, so yesterday I was hoping to go the beach, but did because Spencer thought it would be better to make sure that the SOW didn't need help with anything, which they didn't but it was okay anyway because I ended up meeting with my mentor guy JC which is pretty cool. We talked over lunch and stuff and that was really encouraging and stuff.

After lunch I went home and finished the 5th Harry Potter book, which was another amazing read. Kinda leaves you though and so that is kinda hard, but now I really want the next book to come out!! Fell asleep during the book and slept for about a hour or so, just a power nap I guess. Woke up, went over to Adam's place to see if he was there, and he was so we watched some tv and then went out for dinner with him and Eric. Killer Tacos. Yay, I like having friends. I relaize just how much of a loner I am and that it's not such a good thing... so it's nice to have people that like being around me and stuff.

After dinner my roommate Chris was having people over for the night and so we had a little party/get together last night till about midnight. I am a little tired right now. I wasn't really in the mood to be around a million people but hey whatever, it was still kinda fun.

I also started freaking out a little bit yesterday though, with the thought that i may have to leave Kona for a program. Ugh. My stress-o-meter is at an all time high with the thought that i may be leaving. I know Dixie said that would be the most extream move if that is what we felt like God was saying... but still, it freaks me out to think that i may have to go somewhere and be submersed in this big program and whatever. Stree-o-meter is peaking at 9.3, and I am doing my best to try and keep it low. [sigh] I get all scared and emotional just thinking about leaving all I know here in Kona. Okay, that's enough for now.